Total Drama Island: Abridged
by Maddz Writes
Summary: Flashback to 2008, in good ol' Total Drama Island! But this isn't any normal children's TV show... no... this is Total Drama Island filled with swearing, alcohol, and many perverted characters! Some may die- was that a joke? I don't know! Join Chris, Chef and all the wonderful cast as they get flanderized beyond belief with the power of one can of beer!
1. The Real Shitty Outdoors: Part 1

_[There stood a chipped, terra cotta dock. Calling the dock "old" would be an understatement. The dock was decrepit; legend says scientists all over the world are still studying the dock, trying to discover the reason it still stands today. Besides the broken down brown dock, in the horizon lay a somewhat aqua lake. The lake wasn't glittering bright, but it wasn't musky green either. It sparkled in just the right light, but pollution was taking it over heavily. A man with jet black hair, hair that made him look like a surfer dude, stumbled onto the dock. The man's hair was positioned in odd angles, stuck everywhere. His eyes were bloodshot and his clothes looked inside-out. In the man's left hand was a bottle of Samuel Adams. He groggily lifted the beer bottle to his face, taking a swift gulp. Finally, the man made it to the camera. He smiled crookedly to the audience, his smile never failing to scare half the children away from the TV.]_

 **Chris** : Yo bitchezzz! My name's Chris Mc-FUCKING-clean... and I'm here from Camp FuckYoMama. I'm proud to announce my new reality TV show for all ages to enjoy: TOTAL DRAMA ISLLLLLLLAAAND!

 _[A few seconds of nothingness pass as a black, built man walks behind Chris with a deadpan expression. Chris holds his arms in the air in a weird pose before finally continuing his little speech]_

 **Chris** : Welcome back to Total Drama Island...-

 **Chef** : This is a FanFiction you faggot. No one has left... you don't have to introduce your show repetitively.

 **Chris** : ... oh shit. _[another pause]_ Well whatever. Today we're gonna meet our fucking campers. You bitches better enjoy the show, cause here comes a camper now.

 _[A white boat with a tainted yellow lining floats by, dropping off the first camper. This camper is a girl with black rimmed glasses and silver braces. She has on a side pony-tail and her outfit is a little weirdly planned out. Her shirt is shamrock green, it was a bit too long as it went below her right hip. Her pants were pink and her tennis shoes were white.]_

 **Beth** : Holy shiiit. You've got alcohol! Gimme some! Gimme some! _[runs towards Chris with open arms. Chris flinches back a bit, but Beth was held back by Chef. She grunted and struggled in his grip, but eventually gave out.]_

 **Beth** : Well... fine. But cha gotta give me some beer at some point in time.

 _[Another boat passes by, this time with a muscular black teen, he wasn't nearly as fit as Chef is, but he still has lots of muscle. He was wearing a green shirt with white cuffs and a large orange "D" right smack in the middle. He had on short denim jeans and grey sandals.]_

 **DJ** : I like animals... I like animals... I like animals... I like animals... I like animals... I like animals... I like...-

 **Chris** : _[irritated]_ No one fucking cares you moron.

 _[Next, a pale girl with midnight blue and black streaked shoulder-length hair jumped out the boat. Her style consisted of mostly gothic clothes, and she had on plump blue lipstick. Her eyes glanced back at Chris, over at the other campers and out at the camp itself with judgmental eyes. She clutched her bags with a mix of confusion and worry until she finally realized she was scammed.]_

 **Gwen:** What the fuck? I have to stay at this piece of shit resort? I didn't sign up for this measly trash- I'M GOING HOME FUCKERS!

 **Chef:** _[stealthily zips up behind Gwen and ties her arms together]_ Sorry, you signed the contract. You aren't going anywhere.

 **Gwen** : _[Gasps as her hands get tied]_ What? SATANDAMMIT! I knew I shouldn't have clicked on that ad for free douches...

 _[The boat now has a white man with pretty nice abs, he's rocking out to music. He has on a pink trench coat with denim shorts, similar to DJs. He has shirt blond hair and blue eyes. His alice blue eyes peered around at every detail in perplexed amazement.]_

 **Geoff** : Whoa man. This place is like man. This is great man. I can't believe this man. Dude, man. Bro man. I like mans.

 **Chris:** I like mans too, man.

 **Chef:** Shut up, faggots...

 _[A tall girl appears next. She has lavishing long blonde hair and blue eyes, very similar to Geoff. Her boobs are big, and she's wearing a brown crop top with a red undershirt and an orange short skirt. The skirt wraps around her waist. She also has on brown cowgirl-like boots.]_

 **Lindsay:** _[in Siri sounding voice]_ Somebody once told me. The world is gonna roll me.

 **Gwen:** What?

 **Lindsay** : I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed.

 **Chef:** ... oh no...

 **Lindsay:** She was looking kinda dumb. With her finger and her thumb. In the shape of an 'L' on her forehead.

 **Chris:** _[gurgling drink]_ W-wh-ats happening?

 **Lindsay:** Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running  
Didn't make sense not to live for fun  
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb  
So much to do, so much to see  
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?  
You'll never know if you don't go  
You'll never shine if you don't glow

 **Geoff:** WhatTheFuck'sHappening?

 **Lindsay:** HEY NOW!...-

 _[Before she could continue, however, Chef kicks her, she falls off the dock, splashing into the water below them. Lindsay begins flailing her arms about, random mechanical sounds are heard, like wires are zapping.]_

 **Lindsay:** _[still in Siri voice]_ Someone help. I can't swim. I am robot...- _[fades away as she sinks]_

 _[Silence]_

 **Chris:** _[drunkly]_ Oooh... she'll be fine...

 _[The boat drops off another teen girl. She is tall, with long black hair, falling to her butt. Her eyes are grey. She has on green army colored shorts with a nice black belt and a dark red crop top. Her existence in general looks like it hates everything. Her nose is squished up in disgust as she glares at everyone menacingly.]_

 **Heather:** You all better watch what you do. If you and I get on the wrong foot, one of us just might die.

 **Gwen:** _[snicker]_

 **Heather:** What's so funny? Gothic biiiiiiitch.

 **Gwen:** Nothing. Just your ugly-ass face.

 **Heather:** _[gapes]_ IGRWHFIOINBOIFHEWKAHBDIUGUBFHIOEFHUOREIJG0IFPREWHBUG0OIWHEB0IFHBGU9ORIEHBREOIHGREHIO

 **Beth:** Yeeeah boiii! You just got rekt by a Goth! _[dabs]_

 _[Chef cringes at the sight of Beth dabbing. He walks over to her and nonchalantly pushes her over the dock as well.]_

 _[Screamio music plays in the background and everyone look over to the boat. The next camper has a green mohawk and pierces all over his skin with icy blue eyes. He has a beard that kind of looks like Hitler's mustache, but it's a beard, and he has a nasty snarl. The teen's shirt is long-sleeved black. It has a white skull in the middle of it. He jumps off the boat, now holding a solemn expression.]_

 **Duncan:** What's the point of life? Molecules? Figments of our imagination? Death? It's all filled with lies... filled with sadness and depression. No one's life ends on a happy note. We all... just... dieeeeeeeeeeee.

 **Chef:** Kys.

 _[The boat drops off another camper. More like, he drops himself off, on account of how he was water skiing, which ending off on a terrible note. His legs began getting wobbling as he water skied for a bit, until he flung off, hopping in and out of the water like a tossed stone until he finally landed his back on the dock. He groaned in displeasure. His brown hair was now wet and his red jacket and matching sweatpants had holes from landing on the dock too quickly.]_

 **Tyler:** Ouch my back...

 _[Lindsay and Beth were back on the dock, also soaking wet. Lindsay noticed Tyler's handsome eyebrows and squatted down to his level.]_

 **Lindsay:** _[Siri voice]_ Wow. You have lovely eyebrows. Do you wanna fuck?

 **Tyler:** _[jumps back]_ Whaaat?

 _[The boat drops off the next camper, a scrawny guy with strange glasses and ginger hair. He has on a blue shirt with a hamburger on the middle of the shirt along with a light red, almost pink colored undershirt. His jeans were green. His outfit was quiet mismatched.]_

 **Harold:** Hi-

 **DJ:** _[squeals in distress]_ GINGERS DON'T HAVE SOULS! GINGERS DON'T HAVE SOULS! _[falls off the dock]_

 **Harold:** _[stares inelegantly ahead and then whispers to self]_ Kill me now...

 _[Another camper walks up. He has jet black hair, darker than Chris'. It's spiky and short. He's wearing a green shirt with a black imprint of a hand. His jeans are black and his shoes match his shirt. His eyes are a light navy green.]_

 **Trent** : _[jumps off the boat and sees Gwen's eyeballlllllllzzzzzzzz]_ WOW! YOUR EYES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, I THINK I JUST BUSTED A NUT.

 **Gwen:** _[flustered from bewilderment and embarrassment]_

 **Chef:** That's pretty gross man. _[kicks him off the dock]_

 **Chris:** _[glares angrily at Chef. He points a finger at him and slurs his words unnaturally]_ Wha tha fua Chefa. Stop kicking paple off the damm dock before I kill you my fucaing self.

 **Chef:** _[rolls eyes]_

 _[The boat arrives with another female camper. She has blonde hair pulled up in a pony-tail. She's holding a surfing board and has nice lips with natural colored lipstick. Her eye lashes are long and pretty. She has amber eyes. She's wearing a light blue hoodie, it's a little bit short for her as it shows off a bit of her belly button. She has on nice denim shorts.]_

 **Bridgette:** _[jumps down from boat, then randomly swings her surf board everywhere like a madman]_ AHHHHHHHHHH!

 **Everyone:** _[screams back, dodges, ducks and runs away from Bridgette swinging the board around]_

 **Chris:** What the fuck, bitch?

 **Bridgette:** _[gasps, catching breath]_ Sorry... all these white males are triggering me...

 **Chef:** What? _[looks over at Chris with eager eyes]_

 **Chris:** _[glances at Chef before rolling eyes]_ Fine...

 **Chef:** _[grins, and then happily kicks Bridgette off the dock]_

 **Bridgette:** _[falls in water]_ I'M TRIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGEREEEEEED!

 _[The boat drops off a MALE. Bridgette gets triggered. The teen has brown wavy hair. He holds a bored expression as he walks over to the other campers. He's pretty skinny.]_

 **Noah:** _[glances down at Bridgette still swimming]_ Uhm... why is that guy in the water?

 **Bridgette:** OMG! DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER?!11111!1

 **Noah:** _[sighs]_ Great... SJWs...

 **Harold:** Tell me about it...

 **Beth:** I still want some beer...

 **Chris:** SHUT THE FUCK UP! We got the other camprrrs

 _[A thiccccc black girl is standing on the boat. She waves at everyone with a excited smile. She has on a shirt with I think peaches or orange apples or clementines or some shit, tbh I never actually figured out what was on her shirt. She has on nice blue jeans.]_

 **LeShawna:** Yo yo yo, how ya'll goin'?

 **Heather:** Terrible...

 **Bridgette:** I'm STILL TRIGGERED!

 **LeShawna:** Now since I'm here, which man wanna fuck me?

 **Duncan:** That's how I was born... my parents never wanted me... they straight up told me I was an accident when I was five... they said that they were on a gameshow, like this very one. My mother asked which man wanted to make love to her, and they did. And then she got preggs, with me. There is no point in making love. There is no point in anything. We are all just dust in the wind. Slowly, floating. Floating into nothingness... pure, vacant, empty, nothingness.

 _[Silence]_

 **LeShawna:** ... actually... I think I've changed my mind. I'll have sex with myself! It's more fun.. _[pervy smile]_

 _[The boat drops off two females. One girl is tall and tanned and the other is short and fat. They are wearing matching clothing, white and black stripped crop tops and baby pink shorts.]_

 **Kadie:** _[in the deepest voice you could imagine]_ Sadie... this place is amazing. _[burps]_

 **Sadie:** Yes. _[burps back]_

 **Chef:** WTF

 _[The boat drops off another camper. This guy has a teal colored beanie with teal colored jeans. He has a a green jacket. His hair covers most of his eyes. He also has on green boots.]_

 **Ezekiel:** Hello every-

 _[Before he could finish his sentence, a shark rose out of the lake, and gobbled Ezekiel right up. Chris and Chef and every teen has a shocked and slightly disgusted facial expression stuck on their face. Chris turns around coyly with a nervous smile, shaking his beer bottle awkwardly.]_

 **Chris:** Hehehe... good news teens! Looks like we won't have an elimination round. He was going to get voted off anyway...

 _[A teen boy walks on dock. He has peach skin with brown hair and blue eyes. His shirt has a red and teal stripe. He has on long blue jeans and moss colored tennis shoes. He has a gap in between his teeth]_

 **Beth:** LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL M8 YOU HAVE A GAP IN BETWEEN YOUR TEETH LOL YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF.

 **Duncan:** Shouldn't we all just kill ourselves?

 **Chef:** Shut the fuck up, Duncan.

 **Cody:** _[starts tearing up]_ Please don't fun of my appearance... I'm very sensitive...

 **Heather:** _[snickers under breath]_

 **Cody:** _[wipes away tears as he stands as far away as possible from Beth]_

 **Beth:** Don't be such a pussy, m8.

 _[That line causes Cody to cry.]_

 _[A girl with yellow lipstick and yellow eyes interrupts Cody's crying. She looks extremely manly to be a female. She has a unibrow, and surprisingly wears it well. Her attire consists of purple athletic wear.]_

 **Eva:** Yo, bitch with braces. Stop being such a bully, ya fucking cunt.

 **Beth:** _[surprised by this. Her mouth gapes wide, but she slowly closes it and stares at the dock with a sorrowful expression.]_

 **Cody:** _[glances up at his savior]_ T-thanks...

 **Eva:** Dude. You gotta grow a thicker skin man.

 **Cody:** _[still smiles, but nods]_

 _[Another teen walks up. He is fat, wearing a white shirt with a blue leaf in the middle. He has on mossy green jeaned shorts and light green tennis shoes. His hair is yellow, and it looks like the guy didn't even bother to brush it.]  
_

 **Owen:** I'm so psyched to be here, man!

 _[The last three teens get dropped off. The first one is a girl with nice brown hair, a little bit past the shoulders. She has black eyes, a grey shirt, and green skinny jeans.]_

 **Courtney:** Hello everyone! _[waves]_ It's so nice to meet you all! _[the suitcase she's holding suddenly makes a BUZZING sound. Courtney blushes, automatically knowing what's inside. Everyone else stares at her with apprehensive eyes. She giggles to herself.]_ S-sorry... let me just... _[she opens up her suitcase and pulls out a pink vibrator. Chef's mouth gapes wide in repulsion.]_

 **Chef:** Why are all these teens here so messed up?!

 **LeShawana:** _[sees the vibrator]_ OMG GURL! I have one IDENTICAL to that! _[rushes up to Courtney's side, exposing the pink vibrator of her own. Courtney laughs loudly, LeShawana does the same. They laugh together in unison, until the next teen interrupts them]_

 _[The next teen is tall, and very very handsome. He was picked for the show based ENTIRELY on his looks. He shot a smile and wink the girl's way, and they cooed in lust. Owen saw the teen as well, and turned gay by the sight of him]_

 **Owen:** _[runs up to Justin]_ Wow~ H-h-hi... uh... what's your name?

 **Justin:** _[glares weirdly at Owen but answers anyway]_ Uhhh... Justin...?

 **Owen:** _[laughs dorkily]_ That's a hot name. [realizes what he just said] UH I MEAN not that I think YOU'RE hot... I mean- I WOULD NEVER DATE YOU

 **Justin:** _[insulted]_

 **Owen:** _[realizes his other mistake]_ I MEAN- if I were a female, YEAH YEAH. I would TOTALLY date you. But I have a dick.

 _[Pause]_

 **Owen:** ... and I'm assuming you have a dick too...

 _[Another pause]_

 **Bridgette:** I'M TRIGGGEREDDD!

 _[The last girl leaps in between the awkward conversation Justin and Owen seemed to be having. The girl has curly orange hair and is wearing lots of green. She's super pretty, big almond shaped eyes, they were green as well. She was ecstatic, filled to the brim with bubbly energy.]_

 **Izzy:** HELLO HELLO HELLO! MY NAME IS IZZY!

 **Chris:** Alright-alright-alright, we've all met gay boy- _[points to Owen]_ and crazy chick. _[points to Izzy]_

 **Owen:** _[blushes]_ Wha...-?

 **Justin:** _[scowls]_

 **Izzy:** _[giggles sheepishly]_

 **Chris:** Ok fuc-kers. Head over to the shhhhhhity campfire so we can separate all you idiots into groups.

 _[Cuts to everyone sitting on silver and grey stones, circled around the campfire. The campfire wasn't lit; it was still sunny out. Chris and Chef stood next to each other, Chris was leaning on Chef's shoulder just a bit, droll slipped out Chris' mouth and his legs were wobbling despite him hardly moving. The alcohol was getting to him greatly. Beth was eyeing the Samuel Adam's in his hand, like it was her most prized possession. Everyone swatted away flies and fanned themselves from the deathly heat. Eventually, Chris finally found energy to open his slippery mouth.]_

 **Chris:** Kay... so... the first team will include:  
Beth  
Duncan  
Heather  
Cody  
Eva  
Owen  
Justin  
Izzy  
Lindsay  
Sadie  
and Harold.

You all we been called: The Alcoholic Bass.

 **Beth:** HELL YES! _[pumps fist in air]_

 **Cody:** Uhh... e-excuse me... Mr. Chris, uh- we're not ACTUALLY gonna drink beer... right? J-just wondering because my parents are watching this show, and they'd really hate it if...-

 **Chris:** OF COURSE YOU'LL BE DRINKING. And if you don't consent to it... WE'LL FORCE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!

 **Cody:** _[gulps]_

 **Duncan:** _[sighs]_ Well... at least I'll have another way to express my depression aside from cutting...

 **Chris:** And the next team will include:  
LeShawna  
Courtney  
Trent  
Gwen  
Kadie  
Bridgette  
Noah  
Tyler  
Geoff  
and DJ

You ten will be known as: The Perverted Gophers!

 **Courtney and LeShawna:** _[share a smile]_ I like that name.

 **Chris:** _[sarcastically]_ Great to hear. Anywho... besides all this fun stuff, there will be confessionals IN THE PORTA-POTTIES! So if there's anything you'd like to share with the world, or get off your chest, you are allowed to speak freely and privately in the porta-potty.

 ***STATIC***

 **Cody:** _[appears in the porta-potty. He looks really uncomfortable and nervous]_ I-I-I WANNA GO HOOOOOOME!

 ***STATIC***

 **Chris:** Now Chef, take it away!

 **Chef:** _[grabs a microphone from the middle of nowhere, and begins shouting orders loudly.]_ EVERYONE GO INTO THE LUNCH ROOM- NOW NOW NOW!

 _[Everyone winces at the loud noise at first, but then hastily hurries over to a small shack, presumably the "lunch room". They all form a line, waiting to get their meals. Chef continues to blare obnoxiously through the microphone as he plops gross slob onto red trays and hands them to the teens. The teens amble away from him both terrified and grossed out.]_

 **Chef:** I serve it three times a day, and you'll eat it three times a day! Grab your tray, get chu food, and sit your asses down- NOW!

 **Noah:** _[whispers to DJ_ ] Yo, dude, what's our first challenge?

 **DJ:** _[shrugs]_ Not sure man. But it can't be too bad. I mean, this is just our first time. I wouldn't sweat it dude.

 **Cody:** _[takes a seat next to them]_ I-I think my food is moving...

 **Eva:** Yeah. _[squishes slob with sliverware. She stands up]_ Hey, Chef. Yeah, um... what's up with this food? It's all slimy and I think Cody just saw it m-

 _[A knife flies her way. She ducks just in time, as it stabs into the chipped wooden wall behind her. Eva shrieks in shock, and every teen stares at the knife with frightened facial expressions. Eva nervously laughs]_

 **Eva:** Hehe... nevermind... ugh... Great food. _[fakes a smile, giving him a thumbs up. Chef knows it's fake.]_

 **Chris:** _[enters the lunch room, this time he has stopped stumbling a bit. His hair was brushed out and he looked more alive than before. Obviously he took a break from all that beer. Who knew how long that "break" would last.]_ Alright competitors, get ready for your first challenge!

 **Courtney:** I hope it involves in one of us getting "wet". _[winks at LeShawna. LeShawna snickers.]_

 **LeShawna:** Oooh... I'd like that very much.~

 **Chris:** Well... you two are luckily kind of right...

 _[Cuts to them standing on the tip-top of a mountain. The campers are staring down at the bottom, where the vast lake lay.]_

 **Bridgette:** WHAT THE FUCKKKKK I AM SOOO TRIGGEREREREEDEDEDEDEDEFDFWERGUHJAHGBIRHQWOIFHUAHSUVJGKIJSFKAYGIUGVUFHKJSH

* * *

 **((I made this as a joke; but I honestly might continue this. Idk. I don't really expect anyone to read- nor enjoy this. However, if there is a small chance you are reading this and want me to continue, I thank you. :)**

 **We'll see where this goes...**

 **and remember there will be no elimination this round. Ezekiel was eaten. Good riddance, lol.**

 **Also, for future reference, Lindsay naturally sounds like Siri, so whenever she speaks, just imagine Siri talking.))**


	2. The Real Shitty Outdoors: Part 2

**((I decided to create a parody of the theme song as well. I'm not going to repeat the theme song in each chapter, I just thought it'd be funny if I did this. I hope you get a laugh out of this. ;3**

 **Btw, sorry this chapter is so short, but I'll try and make the others a lot longer and detailed.))**

 _[music starts up]_

TELL MUM AND DAAD I'M DOIN FINE

I WANT TO GO HOOOME

YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED TO FUCKING BE

AND NOW I THINK I KNOW BITCH

I WANNA BE

POP POP POP U LAR

WANNA LIVE IN A STRIP-CLUB

PACK YOUR BAGS

CUZ I'VE LOST? ( **Gwen:** SATANDAMMIT)

EVERY THING TO PROVE

LOTS OF SHIT IN MY WAY

I'LL DIE ONE FUCKING DIE ( **Duncan:** Finally...)

I WANNA BE

A WINNER!

NA

NA

NA

NA

NA

ANA

NA

NA

NA

NA

NA

ANA

NA

I WAAAAAAAAAANAA BE

I WAAAAAAAAANA BEEE

I

WANANA

BEEE

FAMOUS

DEE DEE DE DA DEEDEDEEE DEE DEE DOOOOOOOO

* * *

 _[We start from where we left off, all the campers are staring down at the gleaming lake with horrified expressions. Their mouths cranked wide open, their bodies fidgeting from side to side in nervousness, even some campers were shivering all over, namely Cody.]_

 **Cody:** Oh... no... _[shaking all over]_

 **Chris:** _[ambles towards the camera]_ Okay, your first challenge is going to be EPIC! Your first task is to jump this 1,000 foot high cliff into the lake below.

 **Eva:** _[shrugs it off]_ Piece of cake.

 **Chris:** _[chuckles manically]_ Well, that's what you think right now. If you take a little peeksie into the lake below, you'll see two targets. The wider target is the area filled with MAN-EATING SHARKS! While the smaller one is the safe zone. Which we're pretty sure is free of man eating sharks... but eh what the fuck I don't care enough to do well with my job anymore... _[heedlessly]_

 **LeShawna** : _[twists her head very sassy-like to face Chris]_ Excuse me?

 **Chris:** Did I stutter?

 _[No response]_

 **Chris:** No. Didn't fucking think so. But not only will you be jumping that far off, but you'll also be doing so DRUNK!

 **Cody:** WHAT? _[legs wobble unnaturally]_

 **Chris:** _[giggles to self]_ Alcohol anyone? _[lifts up cans of beer]_

 **Beth:** OMG YASSS! I WOULD FUCK YOU IF IT WEREN'T ILLEGAL! _[snatches two cans from Chris]_

 **Chris:** HEY! YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE- ughh... whatever. _[throws everyone else ONE beer can. Some campers catch it with pride and ease, and other teens burn holes through the cans, complementing if drinking is a good solution]_

 **Chris** : Everyone MUST jump. There is no backsies-outsies this timesies.

 **Chef:** _[cuts Chris off]_ Can you seriously stop talking like that? Man, you sound dumb.

 **Chris:** _[flustered with rage]_ CHEF THIS IS MY GODDAMN SHOW! IF IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU CREATE YOUR OWN FUCKING SPIN OFF?

 **Chef:** _[silence]_ ...maybe I will...

 **Chris:** Anyway... before I was so rudely interrupted... _[glares at Chef]_ ...once you all fall in the lake below, we will pick you up on a boat... that is... if you're alive. And then your next "challenge" will be for each team member to pitch in and carry those boxes back to camp. The boxes hold supplies to build your very own hot tub. The team who wins gets to have a wicked hot tub party tonight.

 **LeShawna:** _[smirks over at Courtney with flirtatious eyes]_ And maybe some of us can get down and dirty. _[wiggles eyebrows]_

 **Courtney:** _[giggles]_

 **Chris:** Alright, Alcoholic Bass, you're up first!

 _[A picture of a fish holding alcoholic floats by in the righthand corner of the screen, symbolizing the Alcoholic Bass]_

 **Beth:** [ _chugs the first beer can in ten seconds flat. She crushes the empty can in her right hand, holding a dazed expression. The beer was already starting to intoxicate her. It must've been strong. She quickly opened the second one and began chugging it, but not as fast as she did with the first one]_

 **Duncan:** What is the point of beer? To satisfy? To relax? It's so useless... so counterproductive to everyone's lives. Why...-

 **Eva:** _[forces the can to his lips]_ Just shut the fuck up and drink your shit.

 **Owen:** _[takes a few sips of his beer as he stumbles towards Justin]_ H-hey J-justin... S-so, I was th-t-inking... we kinda got off on the wrong foot when we meet. M-maybe we can be pals? Or so-mething? I-I-I-I understand if ya don't... but...

 **Justin:** _[stares at his beer with a poker face. He doesn't respond, as if he's ignoring Owen all together]_

 **Owen:** _[pause]_ Uh-ok... B-bye.? _[ambles away from his lover]_

 **Cody:** _[legs continue to wobble, causing his entire body to jiggle. He glances into his beer can, peering though the tiny hole, seeing if he can calculate how much beer actually lay inside. He gulps, taking a large breath. He is about to take a sip, when suddenly...]_

 **Beth:** _[drunkly screams into Cody's ear.]_

 **Cody:** AHHHHH! _[shrieks girly, jumping in the air, 3x his size. He glares at Beth with apprehensive eyes, unable to say anything]_

 **Beth:** Ha, ha, ha. Well while you're taking your sweet-ass time drinking, Imma do something good for the team! _[she laughs, as she stumbles to the edge of the cliff]_ Get ready to watch this AWESOME jump guys!

 _[Beth takes a few paces back, her lips watery from access saliva and beer. She laughs one last time, quietly to herself, and then leaps off the cliff, falling right smack in the middle of the safe zone. Everyone in her team applauds. Cody merely shivers in fear]_

 **Eva:** _[places a tranquil hand on Cody's shoulder, gaining his attention and trying to calm him.]_ Yo, Cody... is it? Don't worry dude. You shouldn't be worried about having one small can of beer. You don't even have to drink all of it. Here... we'll drink it together. If that makes ya feel any better...

 **Cody:** _[nods]_

 ***STATIC***

 **Cody:** Ok... so I really DON'T wanna be here... but for the days I'm staying... I might as well have an ally. Someone who is considerate, but also strong. Someone sweet and understanding of my anxiety issues, but also tough and not afraid to take action. I haven't really SEEN Eva "take action" nor be in "charge"... but she is a strong girl, and she respects me. Maybe- if I don't ruin THIS friendship up- I can hang out with her some more.

 ***STATIC***

 **Eva:** Alright. In three- two- one... _[she lifts the can up with each number, until finally beginning to gulp some of it down. Cody lifts the drink to his lips, but hesitates. He glances over at Eva, her eyes are closed as she takes small gulps. Cody sighs, knowing he has no other choice, and takes miniature gulps as well.]_

 **Eva:** _[drinks 3/4 of the beer, before dropping it.]_ Whoa! You're doing it man! Great job.

 **Cody:** _[only drinks half of it before dropping it himself. His head randomly starts throbbing. He rubs it with a pained expression.]_

 **Eva:** That drink is strong... if it's your first time drinking it, you'll probably have major migraines for the rest of the night.

 **Cody:** _[groans]_

 **Eva:** _[shrugs]_ It's honestly not too bad. At least you didn't drink the entire can. _[chuckles]_ You'd have thrown up all over me!

 _[Eva jogs up near the cliffs edge]_

 **Eva:** See ya down below, Cody.

 _[She then takes a breathtaking large jump, the sun cast a beautiful ray, illuminating around her as she was jumping. She then fell, and Cody gasped, rushing over to the edge of the cliff, he peered down below, seeing Eva in the safe-zone. He sighed in relief.]_

 _[Cuts to Lindsay. She is staring at Tyler's luscious eyebrows. Heather notices this, and rolls her eyes in annoyance.]_

 **Heather:** You do realize you CAN'T date him, right? He's on the other team!

 **Lindsay:** _[twists head to face Heather]_ Really? But his eyebrows... are so magnificent...

 **Heather:** _[scrunches eyebrows in disgust]_ Magnificent? Yeah... that's... one way to describe them...

 _[Close up of Tyler's eyebrows, which are currently overgrown and gradually turning into a unibrow. One eyebrow seems unintentionally both longer and thicker than the other, but somehow, Lindsay continues to stare with libido thoughts.]_

 **Heather:** ...whatever... besides, you drank some of that beer right? We gotta jump in the lake like right now!

 **Lindsay:** _[startled, she turns her whole body to face Heather]_ Wait.. we're jumping in the water?

 **Heather:** Um... A-DUH. It's part of the challenge!

 **Lindsay:** Uh... I'm not jumping. I-I can't...

 **Heather:** Why the hell not?

 **Lindsay:** _[crosses arms]_ I am... a robot...

 **Heather:** _[frustrated]_ I don't give a fuck what you are- you're jumping!

 **Lindsay:** No I'm not. I'll die.

 **Heather:** Oh yeah? And where was that DEATH when Chef kicked you in the lake earlier today?

 _[Silence]_

 **Heather:** THAT'S RIGHT! YOU GOT NONE! _[Angrily picks Lindsay up, trudges to the edge, and throws her off. Lindsay falls in the lake, but not in the safe-zone. She begins crackling like a discombobulated machine. She jerks in random positions. A shark circles after her, and it goes to bite her, but after one bit, the shark's teeth fall out in a cartoony way. Heather jumps in as well, but unlike Lindsay, she actually lands in the safe-zone.]_

 ***STATIC***

 **Lindsay:** Oh... so Heather will get herself to safety... but not her own teammates? I was NO WHERE CLOSE to the safe-zone. She could have at least tried. I think she's trying to kill me on purpose. Well that's not happening anytime soon. This robot is indestructible... and little Miss. Heather-bitch is GOING DOWN!

 ***STATIC***

 _[The rest of the Alcoholic Bass jump, some land in the safe-zone, others were mauled by sharks, but still alive. The only competitor who hadn't jumped was Cody. Eva squints her eyes up at the cliff, using her hand to block out the sun, trying to find Cody. Cody was glued to the ground, his eyes shifting to the lake in ever which way.]_

 **Eva:** GO CODY GO! YOU CAN DO IT!

 **Beth:** JUST JUMP ALREADY!

 **Cody:** _[gulps]_

 ***STATIC***

 **Cody:** I felt like fainting right then and there! I honestly thought I would DIE if I jumped this...

 ***STATIC***

 _[Cody takes in a few deep breaths, regains posture, stumbles backwards with eyes clenched tight and races as fast as he possible could. Cody was so nervous, it was like his legs were rubber. He could hear the wind blow through his hair and whistle through his ears, but he couldn't feel the grassy ground. At the last minute, he opens his eyes to be greeted to the sight of an aquatic lake zooming to his level. He screams girly. The lake finally catches up to him with a large splash, and all that water gusts into his throat. He quickly pops his head out the water, to make sure he's in the safe zone, and to his amazement... he is! Eva cheers for him loudly while the others clap with pure fascination a coward like him actually managed doing it to tell the tale.]_

 **Chris:** Perverted Gophers- you're up!

 _[A picture of a gopher with a pervy smirk floats in the upper righthand corner, symbolizing the Perverted Gophers]_

 **Gwen:** _[sighs]_ Wonderful... the first challenge and it's me getting wasted and wet. I wonder what other challenges Chris has in store for us.

 **Courtney:** _[Overhears]_ Yes... "wet" and "wasted" are my two favorite words. _[she winks as she nudges LeShawna's side.]_

 **LeShawna:** Yeah gurl! It's called WET WEDNESDAY!

 **Courtney:** There's also Sexy Saturday, Fucky Friday, Thirsty Thursday...

 **LeShawna and Courtney:** ...Thursting Tuesday, Molestey Monday and Super Sunday! _[they giggle together]_

 ***STATIC***

 **Courtney:** I gotta admit... LeShawna gets me...

 ***STATIC***

 **Gwen:** Welp, I guess I better take one for the team...

 _[She shifts her eyes to the cliff's edge, completely unfazed to the idea of jumping, so she zooms ahead of everyone chatting, she surprises everyone with a wicked backflip, but her landing is unfortunate. She ends up not landing in the safe zone, from up above, LeShawna and Courtney yell at her, persuading her to swim fast, but Gwen can't hear them. A grey triangle slips out of the water, glistening with drops of water, and Gwen suddenly realizes its a shark. The shark chomps at her, and she flips out, practically running out of the water in worry.]_

 **Gwen:** SATANDAMMIT! _[she crawls out of the shore with torn clothes and a few scars. LeShawna and Courtney cringe at the sight.]_

 **LeShawna:** Oooh... _[sucks teeth in distress. She grips Courtney's hand]_ Courtney gurl... you wanna do this thing together?

 **Courtney:** _[smiles and nods]_ Of course.

 _[Without hesitation, they both leap off in perfect harmony. Thankfully, they reach the safe zone at the same time, their fingers still intertwined. The rest of the group gains confidence from watching two of their competitors make it safely. However, it wasn't Pervy Gophers luckiest day..._  
 _As the day wavered on, it cuts to show Bridgette, DJ, Tyler, Gwen and Noah mauled to hell. Their clothes are ripped, cuts are slit underneath their eyes, around arms and even some chips of shark teeth stuck on backs._  
 _The last contestant, Katie, burps before frolicking to the edge, spinning midair, having fun doing strange tricks. She doesn't reach the safe zone and a shark is zipping through the water, closing in on her. However, Katie pulls out a gun, shooting the shark multiple times. The clear water transforms into crimson within seconds. Gwen and Sadie don't seem to care, but everyone else squishes their nose in disgust, shocked that someone who seemed nice would have a gun on her.]_

 **LeShawna:** Where da hell did that gun come from, gurl?

 **Katie:** _[shrugs nonchalantly]_ I carry this in my panties. _[whispers]_ I like it when the metal is cool...

 **Duncan:** _[reaches out for the gun]_ ...can I use that for a second...?

 **Chris:** _[with a megaphone]_ NO! Everyone, your challenge isn't even halfway done with! _[turns off megaphone]_ Alright campers, so the obvious winners in this first part of the challenge would be the Alcoholic Bass, which means they earn a wheel barrel. You may use it to help you carry the supplies you'll use to create your hot tub!

 _[Alcoholic Bass cheers with joy]_

 **Chris:** STOP WITH THE FUN, GET WITH THE PAIN! _[he pushes everyone ahead of him]_

 **Bridgette:** _[faces Chris with a sour expression, she crosses her arms]_ You're just a racist!

 **Chris:** Huh?

 **Bridgette:** I bet you let our team lose because we have more black people than Alcoholic Bass! YOU TRIGGER ME!

 **Chris:** _[chuckles]_ Yeah ok. Whatever makes you happy, kid.

 **Bridgette:** HAHA! I KNEW IT! I WILL EXPOSE YOU FOR THE RACIST YOU TRULY ARE!

 **Chris:** You do realize as you were continuing your WONDERFUL lecture... your entire team left you in the dust... right?

 **Bridgette:** _[glances behind shoulder]_ WHAAAAAT THEY LEFT MEEEEE I AM SOOOOO TIGGEREDEEDEEEEDEDEDEDEEEDEDEDEDDEDEDEDEDDDDDEDEDEDDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEDEEDEDEEDD!

 **Chris:** _[rolls eyes]_

 _[Alcoholic Bass arrived back at the camp grounds. They hurriedly break up their crates, humming and whistling songs as they set up the hot tub.]_

 **Lindsay:** Do you want me to sing a song?

 **Heather:** ...please don't...

 **Lindsay:** Ok!

 _[in the tune/beat of Hallelujah]_  
We walked into the Taco Bell,  
'Cause I was craving some crunchy shell,  
The man behind the counter said Oopah...  
OOPAH!  
I was flying as high as a kite,  
And I looked up to my delight,  
They were having a special on chalupas!  
My chalupa, my chalupa, my chalupa, my chalupa~

And as you know, there was a man,  
Who preached the truth on rockets and...  
And Jesus won't hold your sins to you.  
And we all know that he broke the bread!  
And I know that St. Peters said,  
That his favorite food was chalupas...  
My chalupa, my chalupa, my chalupa, my chalupa~

 **Heather:** Shut up, Lindsay!

 **Izzy:** Aww... it was just getting good!

 _[The Perverted Gophers FINALLY arrive to the camps, desperately trying to open the crates. Gwen looks like she doesn't care.]_

 _[Time goes on, the campers on each team grow competitive. That spirit isn't used correctly, as we see everyone from each team skimming through building the hot tubs, lazily placing each piece together, and sometimes skipping steps altogether. When they are done, Chris checks up on them.]_

 **Chris:** _[stares at the hot tubs critically, he's unappeased at the effort both teams put in.]_ Holy shit... both of these hot tubs are FUCKING AWFUL. I was expecting at least ONE of the tubs to look neat, but damn this episode was anticlimactic...

 _[As if on cue, a green mossy figure arises from the hot tub. Everyone shrieks in fright at what the creature may be. The creature's eyes glow a bright red, but the light eventually fades away]_

 **Ezekiel:** _[waves at everyone, still covered in moss]_ Hey everyone! I just ate through a shark to stay ali-

 **Katie:** _[shoots Ezekiel]_

 _[There is an eerie silence, everyone stares at the hot tub with a dead Ezekiel floating.]_

 **Chris:** Well, thanks for watching this great episode of Total Drama Island! All the hot tubs sucked ass, and I am seriously regretting creating this gameshow! Will the host drive deeper into depression? Find out next time- on Total Drama- awww fuck it... this show is terrible...


End file.
